i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
