What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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