First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
