How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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