I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i wish my penis had a tongue
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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