I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
