OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
