just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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