I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize