i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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