The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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