i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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