no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just pee around me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
