stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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