I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I AM VODKA MAN
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
