Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
