Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
