Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
