I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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