The maid of honor just puked.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
