Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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