I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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