your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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