I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
