This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
