under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
