It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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