My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
