Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
