So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize