He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
