oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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