I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
