my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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