i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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