can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A+ Viking dick
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
