my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
