What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
