She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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