K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
