The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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