I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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