you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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