she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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