How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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