I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
