apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
