this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
