She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I love you.
Bad choice
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
