I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
