I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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