Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
