Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
