Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
