I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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