Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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