Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
