is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
