So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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