Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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