When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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