nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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