saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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