Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
